The Truth!

A newsletter from Pursuing the Truth Ministries

Greetings from Pursuing the Truth Ministries!

Greetings from Pursuing the Truth Ministries.  This is the second of our new newsletter format.  I hope you like it.  This month we are going to focus our attention on marriage.  I chose this topic because of something that I heard on the radio several days ago and because a good marriage is something that I have spent many years studying, pursuing, and ministering about.  This will most likely not be the only newsletter dedicated to marriage.  As a matter of fact, I am considering including an article in most newsletters about marriage and marriage related topics.  You are always welcome to send in your comments and questions about this topic.  See the information at the end of this newsletter.  God bless you always.

-William R. Cunningham

Marriage Version 2.0

What would you think if you were told that it was acceptable for a husband to have sexual relations with another woman or a wife to have sexual relations with another man?  Some people would agree with such a claim whereas others would be appalled.  Well I heard this very claim on a nationally syndicated radio show the other day (about July 1, 2009 on WDAS FM in Philadelphia, PA).  The host, Michael Baisden, was promoting the idea that marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman and as long as they agree on certain things then those “certain things” are ok.  Therefore, if the husband and wife agree that they would have intimate relationships with others then that would be acceptable in that marriage relationship.  What made it even more interesting was that there were people calling into the show who agreed with this.

So according to Michael Baisden and many others, it is acceptable for a husband and wife to have an extra-marital relationship.  Doing this would avoid having affairs because such activities would already have been acceptable within their relationship.  This setup even sounds logical.  After all if the husband and wife agree that they would have intimate relationships with others then they wouldn't be violating any wedding vows if they have those other intimate relationships.

The problem with this train of thought is that it is of course contrary to the revelation of marriage in the bible, which is a committed relationship between a man and a woman.  The bible also declares that God is the one who puts people together (not that all people who are married were put together by God).  However, this train of thought also promotes the idea that we can pave the road as we go.  It promotes the idea that we can determine what is right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable as time goes on.  Therefore, what is not acceptable today may be acceptable tomorrow.  What is considered unrighteous today may be considered righteous tomorrow.  Of course we have to completely eliminate God's ways from this because God doesn't change.  If God reveals something to be unrighteous today then it will be unrighteous tomorrow. We know that God forbids adultery, i.e., sexual relations with someone other than your spouse so such marital agreements as described earlier are unrighteous and therefore not acceptable to God.  I should also mention that Michael Baisden did say that if a married couple decides to have a monogamous relationship then it should be that way.  It appears that Michal Baisden and many others do not see marriage as a monogamous relationship between a man and a woman, which is the premise of this new marriage philosophy, which I will call Marriage Version 2.0.

I think it is expedient that I make a distinction here.  Marriage may be defined in any number of ways depending on the kingdom that you are in.  Within the kingdom of the world, marriage may indeed be merely an agreement between a man and a woman and it doesn’t necessarily have to be monogamous.  However, with God marriage was intended to be a monogamous relationship between a man and a woman. In Marriage Version 2.0 marriage is no longer the union of a man and a woman to form one flesh.  Marriage is whatever the two people call it.

The bible however reveals marriage to be quite different.  Marriage is a union between a man and a woman where they form one flesh.  God demands loyalty and so do humans (we are after all made in the image of God). The marriage version 2.0 philosophy is like a new drug that seems to be a panacea for all illnesses (It allows the participants to satisfy their flesh in lascivious living).  However, the affects of this drug don't become evident until years later.  Humans are jealous creatures, my friend.  Imagine the effects over a period of time of such a carefree marriage relationship?  Imagine how the wife would increasingly feel if she knew her husband was out late one night possibly having sex with another woman or vice versa?  I believe this would bring about conflict within the "marriage" relationship and eventually would be the cause of its demise.  Also imagine if children are involved.

As people move farther and farther away from God and create their own form of righteousness then the more the human race will indeed race towards destruction.  Corrupting marriage corrupts the integrity of our society, the future of our youths, and the condition of the world in general.  The more we move towards gratifying the flesh without concern for accountability then the more we will experience the destructive consequences of a life without God.  Marriage Version 2.0 is just one instance of how far the human race has gotten away from God and his righteousness.

A Good Marriage

I have spent over 15 years studying the marriage relationship.  I have received many emails from people with questions about marriage and I of course have evaluated my own marriage and attempted many things within it.  However, one of the things that seems evident to me is that people just don't know what a good marriage is or they don't realize that obtaining a good marriage requires consistent effort.  Many people get married and don't have a clue what marriage really is.  They think that love is sufficient for marriage not realizing that it is not (love can fade in any relationship).  Perhaps this is why the divorce rate is about 50% in the United States (See www.divorcerate.org).

So what is a good marriage?  First of all I should point out that the perspective used here is based on Genesis 2:24. 

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

We could therefore easily define a good marriage as one that is consistent with the union described in Genesis 2:24.  However, there are other things that we have to consider.  Let me now briefly share my thoughts about a good marriage.

First, a good marriage is one in which the husband and the wife are together. This means that they are indeed the "one flesh" that the bible reveals to us about marriage.  I believe that togetherness is the basis of any good marriage.  There are two areas of a marriage that must be "good" in order for the whole to be good in my opinion.  There are the functional and intimate areas of the relationship.  The intimate area is where emotions, being with each other, sexuality, expressions of love, and other personal relationship things are evident.  The functional area is where the two work together to accomplish the tasks of the relationship.  Sometimes a marriage may excel in one, but not both of these areas.  I believe a good marriage should strive to excel in both the intimate and functional relationship areas.  How do you do that?

What do you do when you want to excel on your job or in school?  You may acquire more education such as a degree or certification or you may work hard at your job or school to become more proficient at what you do.  The point here is that you work to achieve the particular goal.  Now what have you done to excel in your marriage relationship?  What have you done to achieve the goal of a good marriage?  Many people would have to admit that they have done little to nothing to excel in their marriage relationship.  The husband and/or wife have done little to nurture intimacy and functionality in the relationship.  We do tend to work much more at functionality than we do at intimacy.  For example, the husband and wife may agree on who will handle the finances, wash the dishes, paint, do home repairs, etc., but not work on ways of preserving and developing intimacy within the relationship.  Without working on intimacy the couple may begin to drift apart even though functionally they may operate sufficiently, i.e., the bills get paid and the children are cared for.

Another challenge is when children come.  One or both spouses may abandon the other to appease the child.  The child becomes the most important thing to the husband or wife and most of their energy is directed at the child and taken away from preserving the relationship.  The wife for example will neglect the husband to appease the son or the husband will forsake the wife to "love" his "little princess."  This causes a divide between the couple that could have devastating consequences years later.  I was once asked how a couple divorces after being married for 30 or more years.  How could someone who has been married for such a long time end up ending their marriage relationship?  One would think that they would have gotten over the hump and therefore be invincible to things that would destroy the union.  The fact of the matter is that the union was broken many years ago and they existed merely functionally together.  Eventually, they could no longer function together and things became too unbearable so one or both decided to end it. 

In order to have a good marriage the husband and wife must pursue those things that would help them increase and maintain intimacy and functionality.  They both have to remain committed to each other in order to do this.  If one or both is no longer committed then the end will soon come.  This is why it is so important to pursue pleasing the Lord.  Being committed to God is the first step to a good marriage.  A husband for example may not like being married any longer, but because of his relationship to God and his commitment to righteousness he will work hard to make the marriage work even though he may not feel like it.

Pray about your marriage and keep it before the Lord.  Read books about marriage to at least get information about the marriage relationship.  Acquire information from websites dealing with marriage.  Do all you can to educate yourself about marriage so that you would have the information necessary to build a good one.  Be committed to one another.  Love may fade, but as long as the two remain committed to each other then that flame can indeed be re-ignited.  Try new things within the marriage.  Do things together that would bring a smile to your face when you think of them later.  Talk to each other just like friends share their hearts with each other.  This means that communications is very important in a marriage, which is the one thing that is usually neglected.  Talking about your job all of the time or the children don't count in this regard.  The communications here is between the husband and the wife as it relates to their intimate and functional relationship.  Maintaining a healthy sex life is also very important. Sexual intimacy is a way to express love and to truly enjoy each other in ways that are most intimate and binding.  I'll talk about this aspect in the next article.

The bottom line is that obtaining a good marriage requires work.  The same way you work to excel on your job or in school is the same type of effort you should have for your marriage.  The same way you expend energy for your church or for your children is the same way you should expend energy for your marriage.

Unfortunately this is the area that is very lacking.  People simply do not work at their marriage relationship.  It is no wonder why so many men and women are miserable in their marriages and why the divorce rate is so high in America.  We are human and we should never forget that.  We will respond to the things that we deal with day after day and year after year regardless of how committed we are today.  Work to have a good marriage.  Agree to communicate with each other, be intimate with each other, and work hard to build a marriage that will be happy and that will last until death really is the reason for the separation.

Sex and Marriage

I would like to discuss sex as it pertains to marriage from a Christian perspective.  What role does sex have in a marriage?  Is sex important in marriage or is it enough for the couple to love God and have children so to speak?  Sex is important in marriage if not just because sex is important to humans.  Sex is a powerful force that has contributed to the downfall of kingdoms and societies (think of Sodom and Gomorrah and David with Bathsheba).  Sex is used to express love for ones spouse physically or to experience physical pleasure together.  There is a plethora of ways that this can be done.  By the way, it's a myth that Christians can't have "hot" sex with their spouse.

It seems normal that couples are not sexually satisfied.  This may however not be the problem in and of itself.  The fact that sex in marriage is typically an expression of love in an environment of love may indicate that there is a problem if sex is abnormally infrequent or unsatisfying.  I should say that there is no universal normal frequency for sex in a marriage.  However, statistics indicate that anywhere from 1 to 3 times per week is reasonable.  Now think of it for a moment.  If a couple has sex once a month or once every few months then that could signify something has gone awry either with the relationship or with the couple physically.  In other words, perhaps love is so diminished that expressing it also diminishes.  That's even logical.  Perhaps there is a medical reason why someone's libido has decreased or why sex isn't enjoyed more frequently (for example if the husband is experiencing erectile dysfunction or the wife is having hormonal issues decreasing her libido).  The bible doesn't teach us how often a married couple should have sex with each other.  It does however admonish us not to withhold sex from our spouse except for pray (See 1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately this is an area within a marriage that is quick to go.  We live in such a face-paced world and we get so dedicate to "other things" that we neglect the marriage relationship itself and therefore things such as sexual expression within the marriage declines.  There are even some that try to use sex to bribe their spouse, which is very wrong and very damaging to the relationship.

Lack of sexual satisfaction within a marriage may have many effects.  Such as... 

• Being miserable- lack of sex could be due to other problems in the relationship that induce one or both to be miserable within the relationship.
• Infidelity - the husband or wife may find themselves seeking satisfaction elsewhere since they are not satisfied at home with the spouse.
• Separation/divorce - again since a lack of sex may be a symptom of a bigger problem, the relationship may end at some point if not corrected.

One thing that is very important regarding sex within a marriage is to realize that men and women operate differently and sexual expression is affected by those differences.  However, I have found that we are much the same, but in different ways if I can say it that way.  Men don't necessarily need sex and women don't need sex as some say.  Men just operate in such a manner that sex seems more important than a woman's need for such intimacy. It is quite normal for men and women to enjoy and want sex.
One of the things that I have learned after years of researching and examining myself is that men tend to be very visual.  Men are aroused more visually than any other way.  Even non-visual stimulation will induce visual thoughts within the mind of a man.  Women tend to be more emotionally aroused and therefore need an emotional connection before sex is involved in their minds.  This does not mean at all that men are not emotional.  Men are just as emotional as women (consider a man during a super bowl game).  Men want security, affection and all of the same stuff that are attributed to a woman.  However, we arrive at these things differently on average. Men and women have different languages so to speak.
I recall one conclusion that stated that men need sex to become intimate and women need intimacy to want sex.  I don't know how true that is because speaking as a man; I want intimacy more than anything else.  Sex without intimacy is meaningless.  That is not much different than being with a prostitute, i.e., there is sex, but no intimacy--just the joining of bodies to satisfy the libido.  The human race needs sex to survive.  After all if we stopped having sex then the human race would eventually become extinct.  However, it is unlikely that God created sex merely for us to procreate else we would be in heat like any other animal at certain times of the year and our relationships would be merely functional and intimacy would not be an issue (which is the case of many marriages anyway).

Sex should be enjoyed in a marriage.  Sex should be sufficient and satisfying in a marriage.  Sex should be exclusive to the husband and wife in ways that both enjoy and are comfortable with.  Sex should be an area of exploration or it will become dull, boring, a chore, and eventually become undesirable (at least with the spouse).  Sex should be an expression of intimacy between the husband and wife.  It also can be a gauge of the condition of the marriage and perhaps the health of the individuals.  If a couple has sex with each other once or twice a month or several months then perhaps something is wrong.  Perhaps they are too busy to be with each other or the love has already gone.  If this is the case then the marriage is already suffering and the infrequent sex is merely a symptom and not the problem.

I think that this is an important topic because sex is so important to humans in general as I've already stated.  A husband may find himself pursuing another woman because he is unsatisfied at home or a wife may find herself in the bed of another man because she receives no intimacy at home from her husband.  Both may become miserable as they remain committed to the relationship, but extremely unhappy in it.  Whatever the case sex should not be ignored in a marriage relationship else serious problems could result. A good healthy marriage should be pursued always and the sexual relationship will follow accordingly in my opinion.  We will talk more about this topic in future newsletter articles so stay tuned.

Pursue God First

Jesus said, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” -Matthew 6:33

I just wanted to add this one point because pursuing a “good” anything in this life must be preceded by pursuing the Lord.  It is imperative that we pursue God and his righteousness before we can enjoy the fruits of that relationship and before we could acquire wisdom, knowledge, and the power to obtain that goodness.  Therefore, if you want a good marriage then I believe you must pursue God because your relationship with the Lord transcends all else.  Just keep seeking and you will find him.  You may feel alienated from him now or that you are unworthy, but continue to pursue him and you will soon realize that he is right with you—all of the time.