Listening, speaking, and the Black Box

By Pastor William R. Cunningham
Sunday April 2, 2006

Let’s read the following scriptures.

James 1:19-20 (NKJV) -- {19} So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; {20} for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Proverbs 18:13 (NKJV) -- {13} He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.
Probably the most important thing in any relationship ship is communication.  Without good communications then any relationship is destined to fail.  Good communications involves at least three components.

1. Listening
2. Respectful response

We see in the scripture reference above that wisdom is indicative of those who listen before they speak.  There are many situations that occur today because people respond before listening.  They prepare a defense before hearing the opposition.  They reply before getting the complete message in the first place.  A rule of thumb that I go by is:

 “The response to uncertainty is a question not a statement.”

That is to say, you should have information before you respond to something and after that you can make comments about it.  It is foolish to make statements about things you know nothing about and yet we do this all of the time.

The Art of Listening

What do you see when you look at a person?  What do you hear when someone is talking to you?  There is a difference between listening and hearing.  Many times we only hear the words that are coming from someone’s mouth just as one might see only the physical appearance of someone. 

We need to go beyond the surface when dealing with other people.  We need to hear more than words when people are talking to us.  The overall question that you would like to be able to answer when someone has said something to you is, “What is he or she saying to me?”

What a person says may transcend the mere words that he or she speaks.  We have to consider of course the context of the conversation and/or of the person doing the talking.  We have to consider posture, body language, gestures, etc.  All of these things are part of what the person is saying and in order to truly hear what the other person is saying then we need to be sensitive to all of the messages that are being relayed to us.

Illustration from Marriage

A great example is the marriage relationship.  There are three phases to a marriage, which are as follows.

1. Honeymoon phase
2. Disillusionment phase
3. Resolution phase

Unfortunately few of us are aware of the importance of communications.  The honeymoon phase, for example does not consist of good communications practices.  Infatuation is the dominant characteristic of this phase.  This phase is demonstrated by newlyweds holding hands in the supermarket or the like.  In many cases that type of thing dies away, but why?

The disillusionment phase is when the couple sees each other as real people.  We come face to face with each others’ habits, idiosyncrasies, methodologies, etc.  We find that he is no longer Romeo, but John.  This is where communications could make or break the relationship.  The couple can get over disillusionment if they learn to talk to each other and listen to each other.  They will grow apart if they don’t learn to talk and listen.

If they learn to communicate then they will move into resolution, which is the phase where they have resolved that the spouse is a real person and they have learned how to deal with adversities that would affect the relationship.  Their love for each other has shifted from infatuation to a heart induced union, i.e., togetherness.  This however can only happen if they learn to communication with each other in an effective manner.  They have to learn to listen and respectfully respond.

Other Relationships

The same thing applies to probably any relationship.  This includes the relationship between employee and employer, co-workers, doctor and patient, etc.  We have to learn to listen to each other and respond accordingly.  Imagine if your doctor gave you a diagnosis before you were finished telling him or her what was wrong.  Consider the following.

John 7:51 (NKJV) -- {51} “Does our law judge a man before it hears him and knows what he is doing?”
Deuteronomy 13:14 (NKJV) -- {14} then you shall inquire, search out, and ask diligently. And if it is indeed true and certain that such an abomination was committed among you,
The point that these two scriptures make is that information should precede action.  You should know before you do or speak.  It is foolish to respond to something when we don’t know what the something is.  We shouldn’t for example accuse someone before we have the facts.  We shouldn’t take action unless we have all of the data or sufficient data.

We must learn to listen if we are going to maintain any good relationships.

Here is an interesting example.  I am an Internet technology professional.  I develop websites, troubleshoot systems, build networks, and more.  Many times people will email me with a message something like, “this doesn’t work.”  It amazes me how poorly people communicate on a routine basis.  People seem to assume that I can read their mind or that I was looking over their shoulder while they were at their computer.  I always have to write back with questions trying to get more information from the person and tactfully try to explain that I cannot read their mind.

Time and time again I have to expend more time and energy because people don’t communicate properly.  Imagine what impact that will have on a relationship.  Imagine if you say something to your spouse or friend with no reference to anything.  The person is likely to ignore it because it makes no sense whereas you may begin to get annoyed because your wife, for example does not seem to care about what you say. 

This poor communications may lead into other problems that will cause the relationship to gradually fall apart.

Hindrances to Good Communications

We have discussed thus far the importance of listening and respectful speaking or response.  There are things within human relationships that hinder these from occurring.

1. Shame – You are so ashamed that you do not tell the other party what is going on and the other person misreads your actions and gestures.  They don’t have the important facts so they go by what seems most reasonable to them.  They don’t think that you are too ashamed to say anything, i.e., the truth.
2. Anticipated responses – Sometimes we alter what we would like to say because we anticipate a response from the other person.  Sometimes this is called “sugar coating” your answer.  We don’t want to be harsh so we tend to not give the entire message to the other person thinking that doing so would cause them to get upset, cry, or whatever.
3. It won’t do any good – Sometimes we could get to the point where we believe that communicating will do no good so what’s the point in doing it.  We have experienced so much of meaningless conversations in the past that we come to believe that any more communications is pointless and therefore we don’t say anything.
4. Don’t know how – Believe it or not many people simply do not know how to communicate certain things and still others communicate in a way that may be opposite to the way you communicate.  Some people don’t know how to relay to others how they feel and this could be misunderstood as not wanting to share feelings to others.  The remedy for this is communications and understanding.  We have to learn that we need to be open to the other person’s perspective so that we could better interpret the message being given to us.
5. Emotions – I believe that one of the greatest hindrances to good communications is adverse emotional outbursts.  For the most part this is referring to anger.  People are far less willing to communicate with you if you typically respond in anger.

Communications and Emotions

One of the most deadly things to a relationship is anger.  Anger does not produce productive results.  The Bible tells us that human wrath does not produce the righteousness of God (See James 1:20).  Consider the following scriptures.

• Psalm 37:8 (NKJV) -- {8} Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm.
• Proverbs 14:17 (NKJV) -- {17} A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of wicked intentions is hated.
• Proverbs 16:32 (NKJV) -- {32} He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
• Ecclesiastes 7:9 (NKJV) -- {9} Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools.
• Matthew 5:22 (NKJV) -- {22} But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.
• Colossians 3:8 (NKJV) -- {8} But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

Anger is something that we should avoid.  It is an emotional response that does not produce good results.  It definitely does not lead to righteous acts.  Consider what you’d like to do when you are angry.

Anger can surely put a halt to any good communications.  It causes others to be very reluctant to tell you anything if you typically respond emotionally, especially in anger if you don’t like what was said. 

Learn to instead be objective.  Sometimes we hear things that we do not like, but are nonetheless the truth.  Be objective and don’t take things so personally and surely do not respond in anger or emotionally.

Now you may get angry, but don’t sin.  You may get emotional, but don’t allow that to lead your actions.  You have more control over your emotions then you think in regards to human relationships.

The Black Box

What does a black box have to do with communications?  What is this black box?  The black box here is the processing algorithm built into each of us.  We all process information differently.  Some are more analytical minded than others.  Some people will take what you say and interpret it as data while others will interpret what you say as something personal.  Some people will process what is told to them and make changes or effective decisions whereas others may take what is said as fuel for hatred or the like.

This black box then is a reference to how we interpret what we are told.  This is very important in a relationship because you have to consider as best you can the black box of the other person.  I call it black box because that is a terminology used in programming or data processing.  Data goes into one side of the black box and is processed.  It then comes out the other end of the black box as the result.  There is no significance to the color.

How do you interpret things?  Are you an objective person or are you emotional.  To you listen to what people are relaying to you (the message) or are you focused on the superficiality of the words that are spoken.  If we are going to communicate affectively then we are going to have to learn to be objective and listen to the message.

However, this black box’s programming so to speak is very much influenced by your state of being.  Of course an unrighteous and a righteous person (righteous through Christ) will not perceive things the same way.  This is why Christians cannot part of the world system, but rather part of the Kingdom of God.  God does not operate like the world so therefore Christians will process information if you will very differently.

For example, a personal attack on an unrighteous person may be processed to result in plans of retaliation.  The same attack on a righteous person may be processed and result in a cry to God for help and a prayer for the offending person.  It may also spawn forgiveness.

When the wife says something that the husband doesn’t like then he can respond emotionally or he can realize that she isn’t trying to hurt him, but overall and at the very least she is only saying what is inside of her.  She is trying to paint the husband a picture of what is going on.  If he responds in anger or apathy then she is less likely to communicate in the future and there will probably be a time when he wants her too.  The same applies to the wife.

I’ve observed the marriage relationship for several years now and am amazed at the perspective of people.  We typically do not consider that the spouse has a different black box.  The ideal situation is for both to understand the perception processes of the other.  This way we could better communicate with our spouses and we could better understand what he or she is trying to tell us.

We therefore need the Spirit of God in us so that we would be transformed by the renewing of our minds.  We need to develop a righteously oriented black box so to speak.  We need to be observant and objective people who think in terms of the Kingdom of God and not the kingdom of man.  We need our black box to be certified “God approved” (in this era of certifications).

Conclusion

Listen, speak and the black box are the three crucial components of effective communications.  We need to listen, respond respectfully, and interpret objectively and righteously.  We should learn to listen to what people are saying to us.  Don’t just focus on the words, but look for the message.  What is he or she trying to tell me through those words?  We should speak with wisdom and respect and not in angry outbursts or emotionally.  These don’t lead to anything productive in a relationship.

We should avoid anger since anger does not lead to good relationships.  We also should not respond emotionally to what people tell us unless it deems an emotional response (a joke for example).  Anger will destroy a relationship very quickly because it hinders communications, which will eat away at anything good about the relationship.

Build your relationship with God so that you would perceive things from a righteous perspective and not a worldly one.  Be influenced in your interpretations, perceptions, and decisions by God’s way.  Learn to listen.  Respect others when you respond to them.  Be objective and not emotional and especially not angry.  Amen.