By William R. Cunningham
December 5, 1999

You were wronged. You were offended so you figured that you were justified to act the way that you did. You reasoned in your mind that your offender got what they deserved. After all, a person reaps what they sow and besides, the Bible says "an eye for an eye." You believe that you are even after you have done your reconciliatory deed. However, new feelings of hurt, indignation, and offence arise every time you see your offender. This spawns new and improved actions to really even the slate this time. As time goes on you find that you never really feel satisfied that your offender has paid for their crimes against you. You become obsessed with retribution and proceed to live a life absent of forgiveness.

We are going to briefly discuss forgiveness in this lesson. What is forgiveness and how do we activate it in our lives? How should we handle a person that has offended us or caused us pain for his or her own gain or by accident? These and other questions are the focus of this lesson in the realm of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is defined as: The giving up of resentment or claim to requital of an offense. The Hebrew word for "forgive" means to pardon or spare. The Greek word for "forgive" means to send forth, lay aside, let go, omit, put (send) away. Forgiveness is therefore the act of releasing the resentment that was initiated after being offended by someone. Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. It is the ill feeling that you have towards someone because he or she offended you.

There is a saying that states, "To forgive is to forget." Unfortunately if you link forgiveness with forgetting then you will probably never forgive unless you can some how control your memory functions. Forgiving someone does not mean that you forget about what he or she has done to you. It means that you will not hold ill feelings or a grudge, which implies that you will not retaliate. You will remember what they have done to you and factor that in with future dealings with the person. However, you will not harbor animosity, malice, harm, or a grudge toward your offender.

What should you do when someone else offends you? What should your reaction and/or actions be if someone lies on you, slanders you, uses you, abuses you, etc.? There are two things that we can do overall and they are listed below.

1. Get even or make the person pay for what he or she did to you

2. Forgive your offender and go on with your life

The path (Way) that you take will affect the rest of your life or at least until such time you forgive. Let’s look at what happens if you try to get even or make the person pay for what he or she has done to you. This is the path of unforgiveness.

GET EVEN

Someone offends you and you want him or her to pay. You may lash back at them in an attempt to embarrass them or you may plot the master "get-even" event. Your offender may decide to get even with you for getting even with them. This cycle may proceed for years, which usually end up as a feud. The feelings of hurt and resentment never leave because you never have the sense of resolve. In other words, you never have the sense that your offender has duly paid for their sins against you.

Your life will be changed forever by holding such resentment. It could affect your health, thinking processes, and ultimately your freedom if your retribution involves something that could get you in trouble with the law. Imagine if you are holding resentment for more than one person or even an organization.

Now suppose that you forgave your offender instead of holding resentment for him or her. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you forget about the offense but it does mean that you have released the ill feelings that you have towards your offender, which will allow you to move on with your life with the offensive incidence having little effect on you. The act of forgiveness releases the ill feelings that you may have acquired from your offender. You will not retaliate because of the offense.

Releasing resentment is more beneficial to you then retaliating though your feelings may not indicate that to you. Your feelings may tell you that the pain that you feel can be released if you retaliate. However, the true release of the pain that you feel from being offended is not released or resolved until true forgiveness has been instituted (even though it may take some time to heal). If you don’t forgive then the pain will resurface every time you think of the offense or think of your offender.

The best thing for you to do when offended is to initiate the process of forgiveness else you will induce more pain then is originally associated with the offense over a period of time.

What does the Bible tell us about forgiveness? Let’s see.

Matthew 6:14 through Matthew 6:15 (NIV) For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

God’s forgiveness (of our trespasses or sins against others) is hindered if we don’t forgive others when they sin against us. Note that this is not referring to the overall forgiveness of sin as it relates to salvation. The forgiveness of God cannot be earned. The forgiveness in this verse refers to God holding us responsible and liable for the unforgiveness that we have towards others that offend us, which demonstrates a lack of love.

(Proverbs 25:21-22 NIV) If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. {22} In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.

The phrase "Heap burning coals on his head" was a horrible punishment reserved for the wicked (Psalm 140:10). Here, however, it is kindness that will hurt the enemy, that is, the reciprocation of good for evil that will win him over (cause him to repent). It could also refer to an Egyptian expiation ritual, in which a guilty person, as a sign of his repentance, carried a basin of glowing coals on his head. This then implies that the meaning of the subject phrase is the returning of good for evil thus showing kindness to your enemy resulting in his repentance. Therefore, your decisive act of doing good may cause the offender to repent.

(Proverbs 19:11 NIV) A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

The word glory in this verse is translated from the Hebrew word tiph'ereth and it means; ornament, beauty, bravery, comely, fair, honor, majesty. First we see that wisdom (good sense) results in the restraining of anger. Second we see that the honor, or beauty, or that which is like a piece of fine ornament on oneself is to overlook a transgression or offense.

Another aspect of this scripture is that anger can cause us to do something that will get us in more trouble later. See Matthew 5:21-26. This is acting or responding without the benefit of sound discretion. There is no discretion in anger. If we can restrain our anger (diffuse it somehow) then we can act wisely and overlook the offense.

Mark 11:25 (NIV) 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

This scripture is very important because it immediately follows the well-known scripture of believing what you say when you pray in order to have what you pray for. Mark 11:23-24 is a key scripture in the "name it and claim it" philosophy. However, we see that when we pray we are also to forgive those who have offended us. Consider the following verse.

Matthew 5:23-24 (KJV) Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In this scripture we see that initiating reconciliation, which is the goal of forgiveness, is not only the responsibility of the offended but also of the offender. Both parties can initiate the forgiveness process.

Basically, the Bible instructs us to forgive those who offend us. This doesn’t mean that we should allow anyone to take advantage of us. Rather, we should not harbor resentment in our hearts because in the long run we are the one that will suffer for it. Forgiveness is a process that we initiate when we are wronged so that resentment does not adversely affect us and so that God will not hold our trespasses against others against us.

Turn the other cheek. This is one of the greatest misunderstandings concerning the teaching of forgiveness in the Bible. Consider the following scripture.

(Mat 5:38-41 KJV) Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: {39} But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. {40} And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. {41} And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

The laws in the Old Testament that deal with the concept of an eye for an eye are found in Exodus 21:22-27. God is not condoning revenge (See Leviticus 19:18). The term "eye for eye" refers to the concept that restitution, retaliation, or punishment should fit the offense or crime. God was establishing a fair judicial system. For example, a person shouldn’t be put to death because they hit someone’s goat. Instead, perhaps a fine was levied. We practice the same thing in our judicial system. We fit the sentence with the crime. Some crimes constitute a fine and others constitute various levels of jail time depending on the crime that was committed. Consider the following scripture.

Jesus introduces a very different concept. The people were very familiar with the concept of retaliation (fairly). They accepted the fact that if someone did something to you and was found guilty that you had the right of retaliation. Of course, as I pointed out earlier, the retaliation or punishment was determined by the "crime" committed.

Jesus teaches that retaliation is not always the road to take. He introduces a concept of "letting it go." We may even conclude that Jesus taught that sometimes let the offender "get away with it." Jesus introduced the ideal of not fighting back. Why? We can get a good clue if we look at the purpose of the law and what Jesus taught. The law was strictly to establish fairness in a judicial system. It was only designed to maintain order. Jesus on the other hand seemed to be more concerned about personal relationships and the Kingdom of God. Evidently it is not always a good thing to retaliate. Why not take the wrong that was done to you and return good for the evil you were given. Perhaps you could win your brother because of your kindness (See 1 Corinthians 6:7, Proverbs 20:22, Romans 12:17, 1 Thessalonians 5:15).

It is important to understand that Jesus is not saying that we should lie down and let people walk all over us. He is not saying to stand and let yourself be used and abused by others. He is simply instructing us in the area of dealing with offenses. Sometimes we should turn the other cheek in that we don’t retaliate and position ourselves effectively in a vulnerable position as before. Besides, I have learned that things aren’t always as they appear. We shouldn’t sentence someone for one thing that he or she has done to offend us. Maybe it was a fluke or the person had a case of temporary insanity. Regardless, we should know that retaliation, even when justified, is not always the best thing or the appropriate thing to do. By justified I mean for example that if someone stole your car then you are justified to press charges. We should also consider letting the thing go without pressing charges.

Let's look at some scriptural examples of people actually practicing the art of forgiveness in the Bible. Notice what the results of their forgiveness were.

• Esau forgives Jacob - Genesis 33:4,11

• Joseph forgives his brothers - Genesis 45:5-15, 50:19-21

• David forgives Saul - 1 Samuel 24:10-12, 26:9,23

• Solomon forgives Adonijah - 1 Kings 1:53

Practicing forgiveness is not an easy or overnight thing to do. It may take years before you learn that you don’t have to retaliate every time someone wrongs you. It may take a long time before you can just drop the resentment that you have for someone. The ultimate goal is to not be offended in the first place, which means that forgiveness wouldn’t even be necessary. Don’t put yourself on a guilt trip. Don’t constantly question and second-guess yourself when you want to resolve certain situations involving others. Above all, don’t think that a Christian has to be mild mannered and Mr. or Mrs. Nice guy. Jesus became angry sometimes and on a couple of occasions he turned over the moneychangers’ tables in the temple.

Forgiveness is a process that we use to release the resentment induced by being offended by someone or something. The Bible tells us that God holds us accountable for the unforgiveness (resentment) that we harbor towards others. Learn to practice forgiveness. You may find a less stressful life and fewer problems due to retaliation. Remember that forgiveness is a process that we develop over a period of time. We don’t wake up one morning with total forgiveness in our hearts. We learn how to forgive as we learn how to do anything else. Besides, forgiveness is better for us anyway.