UNDERSTANDING

A lesson to help edify your personal relationships with people

By William R. Cunningham
June 11, 2000

Preface

I have deviated from the current series of "The Place of Women" to discuss the relevant topic of understanding.  It is important for us to understand the opposite sex from a operational standpoint (how the opposite sex thinks for example) and the perspective of God's purpose.  In this case, it is important for us to understand the god given purpose of women so that women are not abused even in our Christian communities.  With that said, let's begin our look at understanding.

I was watching an episode of the Moesha show while over my cousin's house. In the show, the father had an affair years before and had child by the other women and now his family discovered his "mistake". The response of the family was probably expected but nonetheless very insensitive and had little if no understanding. The husband murmured something about he and his wife having problems a while back and he evidently had an affair with another women producing the child. The daughter, Moesha (at least I assume she is the daughter since I don't watch this show) became very harsh with her father and was very terse and decided to move out of the house and into the dormitory at college. She responded based on emotion but that is another story and study. The wife was short with him as well. She asked him when he was going to tell her and he said that many times he did want to tell her but didn't. She turned her back on him, which is understandable considering the circumstances. Though her question was totally irrelevant to the situation, it did demonstrate that she wasn't responding totally on emotion.

I watched that situation and later realized that people typically respond the same way. We tend not to practice understanding. Understanding doesn't mean that you accept or condone what was done. It doesn't even mean that you have forgiven the person. You simply understand what happened including why the person probably did what he or she did. From that point we may realize that we too are just as guilty in different ways as that person. Understanding is usually not practiced and not sought after. Instead we respond to disappointments emotionally, vindictively, and usually unfairly.

In this lesson, we are going to look at the practice of understanding and how it could make a significant impact on our interaction with each other and perhaps with the practice of forgiveness. Understanding allows us to see clearly as to what was done and therefore to react objectively (at least as much as possible) instead of subjectively.

I think it is best that I define the term understanding, as it will be used in this lesson before we get too deep into a discussion on understanding. What do I mean by understanding? Consider the following scriptures.

The word "understand" implies a grasping of the reasonableness of something. It also implies a certain degree of wisdom and knowledge as used in the verses above. True understanding is objective in that it requires reason and therefore data or information. Understanding in the context of this lesson is defined as follows. Understanding is to grasp the true reason why something happened or the way that it is.

The Bible instructs us of the importance of wisdom and understanding and their practice. Therefore, in all situations, good or bad, it would behoove us to understand why things happen and understand the way that something is (reality versus fantasy). This will greatly help us to deal with situations regardless of their outcome and it can help us to prevent the same things from happening again.

Wisdom is the ability to discern based on knowledge and understanding. It could also be thought of as insight, that is, being able to see into the inner qualities of things. Wisdom has little to do with your technical abilities or how smart you are compared to others. Wisdom deals more with your ability to make effective decisions based on real facts besides the superficial. For example, you may be presented with two options. Which option should you select? First your goals or objectives must be clearly defined else choosing either of the two would be merely chance and therefore it wouldn't matter which one you choose since you don't know where you are going anyway. The first thing you will need is knowledge (information) of which you should understand and then with that information you can make a well discerned decision-the practice of wisdom.

Think of wisdom as a black box. It is programmed or operates a certain way and it receives input. The input in conjunction with its programming or operation will produce a certain output or result. Of course this is a crude example because the black box really doesn't "understand" the data. Instead it simply processes it in accordance with its mode of operation. However, the point that I want to make is that wisdom is therefore something that is particular to each individual. You may have heard of the terms "wisdom of the world" or the "wisdom of God". These describe the mode of operation or programming of our black box. Consider the following scripture.

Notice the distinction between the wisdom of God and the wisdom of the world. The discernment of God operates in a different mode then the wisdom of the world. The wisdom of the world says that the existence of God is futile and foolishness for example. The wisdom of God says that His existence is sure and necessary.

It would seem reasonable that if your mode of discernment were corrupt then your mode of perception would also be tainted. A person operating according to the Way of God would perceive events very differently than someone operating according to the Way of the world. The two would understand events and situations very differently. This places understanding in a subjective environment because it depends on the mode of operation of the person. Therefore, we have to consider the source of the disposition of the understanding that each of us have.

Since wisdom and understanding is subjected to a mode of operation, we should consider that mode very carefully. What program do you use? Are you "programmed" by God's Way or by the world's? In other words, do you operate by the wisdom of the world or by the wisdom of God? True wisdom and understanding comes from God. The ability to discern effectively can only come from an omniscient God that helps us in all situations. We can't program ourselves!

People have tried to save themselves and live according to their own self proclaimed way. We believe that we have life all figured out and therefore provide wisdom so that others can experience true life. We still just don't get it. We don't understand. We are grasping for the wind if we think that we can pave the road we travel as we go along. There is a wisdom and Way greater than our way and our understanding. God's Way supercedes and transcends all that we may claim to know and experience. Consider the following scripture.

And,

The bottom line is that true wisdom comes from above, i.e., God. The fear (respect and reverence) of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom and understanding (knowledge). Any understanding that originates from within our own souls is meaningless when compared with the understanding and wisdom that comes from God.

Know God and reverence Him and you will have available to you true discernment in all situations.

Let me present an example of different modes of operation and thus wisdom. Men and women are different. That pretty much goes without saying. Why are we different? It would be erroneously to say that we are different merely because we have different anatomies. The differences between men and women go far beyond the physical body. The differences between men and women extend to the mode of operation of the two sexes. In other words, we are programmed differently and therefore we perceive things differently. Men usually respond to situations very differently then women. This doesn't mean that one is inferior or superior to the other. It also doesn't mean that one is better than the other (whatever better is). It just means that we operate differently and therefore are very different.

My point here is that wisdom and understanding is particular to the individual. This is why understanding is so important in man/woman relationships. The two sexes should first realize this operational difference between the sexes and also try to understand the opposite sex. Many arguments could be avoided if only the women "knew where that guy was coming from." In other words, she understood why the guy did what he did and is better able to deal with the situation instead of responding emotionally. Likewise, the man would be much more effective in dealing with his wife if only he understood her thinking (perception) processes. How many times would he have been able to avoid an argument or avoid getting upset if he only knew where she was coming from?

Wisdom and knowledge cannot be separated from understanding. Understanding is very important because it will help us to perceive things more in proper context instead of on our own mental or emotional dispositions at the time of the situation. True discernment and understanding can only come from God because he transcends our wisdom, understanding, and knowledge.

The premise of understanding is proper perspective and grasping the "why it happened" or "the way it is." For example, someone may suffer a catastrophe and then perceive that such was from God. You may have heard something such as, "This was from the Lord to teach me something." Though I don't necessarily agree with the logic or the reasoning for all situations, I must admit that such is sometimes an effective way of dealing with situations as long as your perception of God is not based on catastrophe. That person's understanding of their situation is that God ordained it for their good and therefore he or she is more capable of dealing with the situation.

Consider the following scripture.

Many believe that the thorn in Paul's flesh referred to a painful physical ailment that Paul perceived as being permitted by God so that he wouldn't get to proud. Others believe that it referred to a temptation that constantly badgered Paul. In either case, the "thorn in the flesh" was something at the very least undesirable. Paul's understanding of the situation was that it was from God for a greater good. Paul practiced understanding.

Let me now refer back to the Moesha show that I first mentioned in the Introduction section of this lesson since it is such an intense issue that will greatly illustrate the case for understanding. How could understanding have been practiced in that type of situation, namely infidelity? Moesha responded emotionally based on her understanding or lack thereof. The wife responded somewhat properly but from the wrong (based on my understanding) angle.

Let's examine these responses more closely and see how understanding would have affected the outcome. Here are some questions that could have been asked by those involved.

1. Why did the husband cheat on his wife?

2. What is the relationship between the husband and wife like now?

3. What impact does the knowledge of infidelity have on the children?

4. How is trust affected

More generally, these questions could be restated as follows.

1. What was the cause of the situation?

2. What is the current environment in relationship to the time of the original event?

3. What impact does the situation have on your immediate environment (relationships)?

4. What impact does the situation have on your extended environment?

I believe that it is important to know why. Knowing why will help you to see any situation more clearly even if the why is "I don't know," which could indicate a random event. Understanding why the husband cheated on the wife some years ago would help her and him deal with the discovery years later. Of course now the issue is more of trust and the attempt to hide it to some extend (the husband gave a reason why he didn't say anything). Knowing why helps put all of the cards on the table and rational, instead of emotional, decisions could be made.

Another important thing to consider in the case for understanding is the current environment. It is very inappropriate to apply a situation that happened in the past to a current state. The husband cheated in the past but the marriage relationship could have improved greatly since then. The husband probably would never think of cheating on his wife in his present state of mind and state of the marriage. However, the abrupt discovery of the affair tends to cause those involved to perceive the affair as current. Understanding would place the perspective to the past when it happens and deal with the issues of the present, which is the husband's attempt to conceal his infidelity (his promise doesn't justify it).

The husband should try to realize how the discovery of his affair would affect the people around him now. The husband's realization of that would enable him to understand the responses of his children and wife. It might have also been enough for him to fess up some time in the past if he really considered how his family would respond or perceive his infidelity.

Of course, in any situation, I suppose it is also important to understand the affect that something that was done would have on a more global perspective. For example, the discover of the husband's infidelity could affect more than his family. If others found out then his relationships with his friends, church, school, job, etc. could be affected. This goes into the area of understanding and/or perceiving the consequences of one's actions, which is beyond the scope of this lesson.

We could say that the process of understanding is to try to know why it happened, what it really is, and how it will affect those around you. This will allow you the benefit of understanding the reaction of others, ways of preventing it from happening again, and the consequences that accompany the action.

The first thing that we need to know when faced with any situation is the "why". Why did he do that or why did she say that? Why did he forget about my birthday or why does it seem that my feelings aren't important to him? Why does it seem that she really doesn't care about my accomplishments or the things that I do? These and other similar questions will help us on the road of understanding.

Let's go back to the Moesha show. Why would a husband cheat on his wife or vice versa? Unfulfillment is one of the greatest causes of infidelity based on my previous research on marriage (See my marriage study for more information). In other words, his needs weren't getting met (or her needs). This assumes that he was originally dedicated and true to his wife. A husband could also cheat on his wife because he never had the intention of being loyal to her. However, that deals with the character of the husband, which doesn't involve understanding the why, rather just knowing his or her character. We won't deal with that situation here.

Now the husband may have become disappointed in his wife during the disillusionment phase of the marriage. He realizes that she is not one in a million and that she is simply a regular person. All of a sudden he "sees" her with different eyes. His understanding of her is changing. Instead of the eyes of infatuation and total disregard for "shortcomings" typical of the honeymoon phase of the marriage, he now sees her as all of a sudden having problems-she changed! She's not the same person I married he proclaims not realizing that she is but he just didn't see it. So to him disappointment comes in unless he understands his error. She isn't an angel from heaven or he isn't the prince from God. He or she is a real person like everyone else. He or she has shortcomings, idiosyncrasies and problems.

If he doesn't understand why his wife appears different then he will try to deal with her the old way and become increasingly disappointed. He may also try to adjust his perception only to find that his wife doesn't seem to care. This deals with a lack of togetherness and communications, which is beyond the scope of this example. Over a period of time, his disappointment grows and he doesn't find happiness in his wife anymore. His pursuit for happiness, love, and peace finds itself in the arms of another women, alcohol, or his work, which itself is indeed an illusion since he doesn't understand what is happening to him. The same applies to the women.

Understanding the why could have helped Moesha and her family deal with the father's past sin much more effectively. Instead of emotional decisions and the corresponding actions, understanding would have created an environment where the problem could have been dealt with effectively, preserving the relationships. Consider a very important principle revealed by Jesus Christ in a particular situation.

This doesn't mean that we should overlook the sin or action. It merely suggests that we have all sinned and really don't have a right to judge someone unfairly without considering our own weaknesses first. Consider the following verse as well.

Matthew 7:1 through Matthew 7:5 (NKJV) "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Practicing understanding would allow you the opportunity to grasp why the person did what he or she did because you are probably doing the same thing-so why are you doing it? Without understanding, you would probably respond emotionally or hypocritically. Understanding provides a way for you to see things from a more objective perspective. Instead of responding totally emotionally, you would respond more objectively to situations.

You have taken the time to practice understanding and therefore can deal with situations more effectively and objectively. You don't respond based on emotions because emotions are very unstable and superficial in most cases. Emotions are affected by the appearance of what is and not the reality of the situation. For example, the wife could respond objectively and deal with the situation of an unfaithful husband (and vice versa) without making the matter worse by throwing in a barrage of emotionally fueled statements and actions. She may also realize that if she had been more responsive to her husband that the temptation might not have been there in the first place. This in no way condones the action of the husband because he was dead wrong. Any action that he undertook was indeed a decision of his own. He could have been tempted beyond measure but I am sure that in one way or another he entertained the situation for a period of time instead of "killing the weed as soon as he saw it." What do I mean by the killing the weed statement? It is far easier to kill a weed in your garden when you first see it coming out of the ground then if you waited until it was fully developed. However, if the wife would try to understand the husband she may find that she might understand what led to his unfaithful actions and then deal with him appropriately. The same holds true the other way around too.

Understanding is crucial in dealing with life. It forces you to try to see things the way they really are instead of how they may appear. It forces you to understand the why so that you can deal with the core cause of something instead of its symptoms. From the Moesha Show, the husband's infidelity may have been due to his lack of commitment. His infidelity might be caused by a lack of morals in the area of marriage. He may feel that he is justified to go to another women if his wife is nothing but a pain to him instead of increasing his efforts to strengthen the marriage by dealing with his disappointments along with his own shortcomings and perceptions.

Understanding why your spouse, friend, co-worker, family member, or anyone you have some type of relationship with acts the way he or she acts or does something peculiar will help you deal with that person more effectively. You may find that he or she is not in his or her right mind because of a personal tragedy. Perhaps he or she just didn't get enough sleep. Perhaps your wife is so disappointed and unhappy that she seems apathetic to you because in her mind you might have something to do with the unhappiness. Understanding and the pursuit of such will help to reveal the root cause of situations and people's activities.

Why did this have to happen to me? Have you ever asked that question or heard someone else ask it? More than likely you have. When some calamity strikes we usually want to know "Why me, God!" Some will fill our heads with guilt by suggesting that we have a secret sin or the like and God is punishing us for it. The fact is that we live in a world where bad things happen. We live in a world that contains evil. We may not understand the details or even the reason why things happen to us but we can understand that they do because of the world we live in. We can say that the calamity was from God if it helps (though I don't believe that for all situations). We may trace the calamity to a bad decision we made years ago or something that we overlooked yesterday. At least realizing the why will help us cope with the consequences of our decisions and perhaps the calamity itself.

It is crucial to understand the scriptures of the Bible that we hold dear to our hearts to help us govern our lives. Misunderstanding the Bible will lead to misunderstanding elsewhere. The Bible must be understood in the context in which it was written. It is easy to pull a few scriptures out of a story and apply it to your situation when those scriptures in fact have nothing to do with the type of situation that you applied them to.

Since true understanding and wisdom come from God then it would seem reasonable that we grasp as good of an understanding of the Bible as we possibly can. Your life may indeed depend on it because truth liberates and helps us live according to God's Ways. This truth comes from God, which we can learn by studying his Word. Consider the following scripture.

If you don't understand the scriptures then anything that you might have received from it will be taken from you. Understanding helps to root what you have learned inside of you. Understanding helps you to see the root of any situation as well.

Understanding leads to truth because it avoids the superficial or what appears to be. Understanding, as I said earlier, forces us to see things the way they really are and not the way they appear to be. Understanding God's kingdom for example will help us to understand the way God operates and therefore help us govern our lives effectively.

Seeking truth demands understanding, that is, discernment. When faced with situations in life we attempt to seek the truth surrounding those situations so that we can make effective decisions and travel the best path from the now to the "now later."

Understanding is the ability to grasp why something is the way it is or the reason behind a certain situation. Without wisdom and knowledge understanding couldn't exist or be effective. Practicing understanding in everyday situations allows us to get to the core of a matter and therefore respond or act objectively instead of emotionally or foolishly. It forces us to seek to perceive things as they really are instead of being deceived by the illusion that appears on the surface. Understanding is also important in Bible study to help us govern our lives effectively.